Wednesday, April 20, 2016

After Care

Last weekend I completed my first 5k. Okay, I walked it but nonetheless, I did it. My daughters all enjoy running and I have said over and over again I'd like to try running. So daughter number two took the bull by the horns and said, "We're going to register for this run and this run." The next one is in August. I'm determined to run that one if it kills me!

Morning of the race, I was a bit nervous and bossy. I was afraid we'd be late. That I wouldn't be able to find my starting corral. That I'd be the slowest racer and be the last one across the finish line. All this stress I took on knowingly when I registered for the race. I even paid to do it, lol.

My daughter was a little late arriving at our place and that just increased my already raveling nerves. Luke was being very quiet and patient. I'm assuming, "You can't spank a woman before a race!" was going through his head. We got to the parking ramp, grabbed our gear, and off we went to find the park and get checked in. My daughter and I were very excited. My first registered race, her first 15k run. We were practically sprinting to the start line. Luke is not a big fan of exercise. He likes a nice leisurely hike in the woods or a casual trail ride on the bike, but not push yourself to your limit exercise. After several blocks my daughter looked behind us and declared, "Dad is never going to do this with us again." My thought was no he probably won't and my butt may be on the line tonight.

Race over...I walked my fastest time and my daughter was happy with her finish time. We headed out to meet up with son-in-law and the grands for post race lunch. From there we headed our separate ways. Luke and I got back home and I soaked in the tub for awhile. We had dinner and were sitting around watching tv. I was surprised how sore I was. I walk everyday and I didn't think my legs would be hurting this much. I pushed it as hard as I could for the 5k, but I still wasn't expecting my legs and butt to be achy and stiff.

Luke turned off the tv, grabbed my hand and said it was time for bed. We got to the bedroom and he told me to undress and stand at the foot of the bed. At this point I was thinking a spanking on top of this ache may just be more than I can handle. Crap, I should have been more considerate this morning. Luke grabbed my blindfold and put it on me. Hmmm, gg spanking?? He led me to the side of the bed and told me lay across. Oh geez, in this position he usually uses something that needs more swing room. Will this be fun or painful?

Luke went into the bathroom and then down the hall. I laid across the bed thinking of the possibilities. When Luke walked back into the bedroom I heard him set something on the dresser. Then he started massaging my legs with warm scented oil. OMGoodness, heaven!! He found a knot behind my right knee. For a moment I thought I might claw my way across the bed but Luke told me to be still and relax. He backed off and massaged until the knot loosened up. When he finished with my back he told me to roll over. He massaged the front of my legs and then became more interested in other parts of my body. I would have thought I was too tired and sore for this kind of attention but apparently not. After Luke took good, GOOD care of me he rolled me over and curled into me. That's all I remember until waking up in the dark completely relaxed and pulling the covers up over the top of us.

If this is race day after care sign me up for every race possible!!!

Friday, April 15, 2016

Am I Strong Enough

Hoping I can make this make sense...

I've questioned from the very beginning of ttwd if I was the "type" of woman who could do this. The one thing that struck me when I went reading around blogland, long before I got brave enough to email someone or leave anonymous comments, was all these women describe themselves as strong independent women. In my mind this equated to women who held powerful postions in their workplace and always knew their mind and spoke their mind. None of these define me. For many years I was a stay at home mom. When I did work it was for a paycheck to help out but never a career. After several years of working at a job I hated, I was laid off in the spring of 2014 and I haven't gone back to work since that time. I love being a homemaker. It's a comfortable fit for me. I actually like cleaning, lol. Cooking is more challenging for me but it's been fun to have the extra time to try out new recipes and explore that too.

As far as knowing my mind and speaking it...not a Clara quality. I can make a decision and be swayed fairly easily. I'd rather be a face in the crowd than stand out. The problem is I'm not necessarily comfortable there, I just to afraid to not follow along.

All these things leads me wonder, how can I be a submissive wife. In my mind I had to have something good enough to "give up" to prove that I could do it. If someone asks or tells me to do something I will most likely do it. But my mind doesn't view these things as submission just what I do because of who I am. So the idea of submission has confused me for a long time. In the beginning, I think it caused bratting or acting out. I guess I thought I had to be rebelling against something or I wasn't giving anything up and submitting. Frankly that was exhausting for both Luke and I. I think the poor man may have thought I lost my mind and he lost a wife and gained another child. Not proud moments here but it happened all the same.

Now I'm seeing submission in another way. I know some of you hate the word submission. I don't know if I truly understand it yet, but that word doesn't stick in my throat like the way I'm seeing things now. I'm starting to understand what I need to give Luke is my honest and raw self. The words that stay stuck in my head. The ones I won't even write down in a journal because saying them makes them real. That's the place ttwd is taking us and it scares me. I've read over and over on blogs, communication...communication....communication...and shook my head and agreed. I've offered that advice to other bloggers. Yep, that's how this works communication. Follow the crowd give the same advice.  But the reality of what you were saying took a long time to hit me.

Be vulnerable to Luke. Let him see inside me. The things that scare me and hurt me. The inner thoughts I have, my fantasies, and nightmares.  Now you have me running for cover! And as this all unravels I wonder even more... Am I strong enough to do this?

Luke has never given me a reason to doubt that he'll listen to me. In fact as I've let myself open up to him I've learned to trust and respect him more. But this is very strange and difficult for me. I don't let people get this close. This new territory is hard for me to navigate.

Thanks for reading and stopping by!
Clara

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

I'm Back

Hello Everyone,

I left blogland several months ago. Life got too busy and I wasn't sure I could keep up with everything. Unfortunately, I didn't archive my old blog so I can't get my original introduction back or any of the posts I wrote. My world has slowed down considerably and I realized how much I missed being in a community where I could talk about and get advice from people living the same lifestyle or at least accepting it.

Looking forward to reconnecting with those of you I had a chance to read and comment on. Also, wanting to meet the new people out there. I'm going to ask a big, BIG favor from all of you. As I'm getting back out there and getting around to your blogs, would you please leave me your web address so I can rebuild my blogroll? It's going to take some time to get back around and catch up on what's been happening. Hoping to get back to read all the March questions. It seems like a good way to get to know people a little better. With some dedication, I hope to be around next March to participate.

Luke and I have known each other for 30+ years. We've been married twice. Yep, twice. This second time around I got brave enough to tell Luke my spanking fantasies were more than fantasies. Somehow, I thought that when I told him about my desire to be spanked he'd figure it all out on his own. Honestly, when the kids were young I don't know if we could have found the time and energy to develop ttwd. It would have helped! But life is so crazy during those years. Those of you managing it all, my hats off to you! It's so worth the effort. But it certainly takes a commitment I'm not sure I was ready for at that time in my life. And it certainly would have been lonely not having the support system Internet provides.

Just before we remarried, I got the courage to tell Luke I wanted more than fun kinky spankings. And at the time, I believed I wanted spankings to be for discipline or correction. I had a wonderful plan and I let Luke in on it slowly but surely. I was reading a couple of blogs and figuring this whole thing out. I kept informing Luke how this was supposed to work. Yes, these other women mentioned submission and giving up control but I had to make sure Luke knew his role before I let go of the reigns and let him lead. Yes, honestly and ashamedly this is where we started our journey. And I have to admit when I look back, I had the biggest learning curve. Letting go hasn't been easy. It's still a struggle sometimes but it's getting better. And for this stubborn spanko it's taken some time to learn that ttwd is so much more than spanking.

As my life goes, I'm always a bit behind. I could have really used the help and camaraderie of blogland to get through the last three years as weve stumbled along in ttwd. But part of me was afraid to share our stories. After being away, I've decided to try to just jump in and ask some questions. We've come a long way but now some of the questions and struggles go so much deeper. I know I need the support of this wonderful community.

Looking forward to meeting and reconnecting with everyone!

Clara